Dr. Even T. Ually, the prominent Washington environmental scientist, announced an agreement reached today between the House and the Senate that has wide-ranging impact on global climate change and domestic energy production.
Leaders from both branches will soon employ a new scientific technique that harnesses gasses emitted during the creation of the Congressional Record, a process that traps the carbon emitted and sends it to congressional bunkers for underground conversion to electricity.
“At its peak, the Congressional Record represents some 40,000 pages a year of verbatim coverage of, among other things, the 4,175 recently introduced bits of legislation recorded in the Record,” noted Dr. Ually. “The volume of gas it takes for that much speech equals enough carbon production to cut fossil fuel imports for years. We can now rely entirely on domestic production.”
The ability to trap Congressional gasses came as a result of a scientific breakthrough which transforms carbon emissions from human speech into DC electrical energy.
“Global human respiration accounts for about 8% of all man-made CO2 emissions as noted by the EPA,” said Dr. Ually, “but of course we would not consider the congressional wisdom captured in the Congressional Record as a pollutant. Nevertheless, this new ability to convert Congressional emissions into electricity means Americans can be assured of a never-ending supply of the new energy.”
Dr. Ually further noted that a study was underway to compare the verbal output of reelected officials to Freshmen Congressmen and woman, pointing out that preliminary laboratory results suggest a direct relationship between a representatives’ years in Congress and his or her ability to fill the Congressional Record with future energy.
“That’s good news,” Dr. Ually noted, “because in the long run, the Supreme Court’s ruling on Citizens United will keep the most loquacious representatives in Congress for ages, insuring our reserve of gas-based electricity.
The energy crisis solved, Congress is moving smartly on to the deficit.